One of our GREAT grandfather Viking forebears - I mean a really long time ago* - was somewhat of a curious fellow. His name was Thorfinn and he lived in the Orkney Islands just off the coast of Northern Scottland. Thorfinn invented a substance that could propel a rock at very high speeds and at a great distance. He continued working his recipe and one day realized that if you confined it to a long, tubular device, and put the rock inside the device, you could propel it faster, farther and more accurately. Thorfinn invented gunpowder.
Now the Chinese claim to have invented gunpowder but that's fake history. You ever notice how the communists claim to have invented everything useful. But I guess that's the whole point of communism… sit around waiting on others to do the work and then take the credit and profit from it for yourself. But I digress…
Eventually Thorfinn stopped using rocks and worked with a local blacksmith to forge small lead balls which flew even faster, farther, and more accurately than the rocks did - and offered a degree of consistency that just couldn't be achieved with rocks. Thorfinn was able to consistently hit an enemy at 300 paces right in the head, every time. This earned him the very notable Viking moniker "Skull-Splitter" and he became known throughout history as Thorfinn Skull-Splitter.
Thorfinn became Earl in Orkney and beyond when his two older brothers, Arnkel and Erlend, were killed in battle at Stainmore, Westmoreland, England. Their warring and pillaging greatly enlarged their holdings in the British Isles but they were off to Valhalla and left Thorfinn to deal with running the family business.
Prior to becoming Earl, Thorfinn married Grelad Duncansdatter. Grelad was the daughter of Duncan and Groa Thorsteinsdatter. Duncan was the Scottish Earl of Caithness in northern Scotland just across the strait from the Orkney Islands and Groa was the daughter of the Norse Viking and warlord Thorstein “the Red”.
Thorfinn’s union with Grelad was probably one of, what was common among our early ancestors, a treaty/opportunity marriage. It also was a wise move on Thorfinn’s part. The alliance with Caithness through Duncan ensured a modicum of peace and good trading with mainland Scotland and through Groa an alliance with another of the powerful Viking families that were raiding and conquering in England and Ireland at the time. And of course Grelad felt safe at night knowing that any evil-doers lurking around would have their skull's split.
When Duncan was killed in the Battle of Duncrud, the large area of north Scotland called Caithness came under Thorfinn’s family rule. In the meantime, the powerful Thorstein “the Red” kept other possible enemies of Orkney busy. As a consequence, when Thorfinn ruled from 955 to his death in 976, the sagas relate that he ruled well and the Orkney area was relatively peaceful. But it also bears mentioning that nobody living in the 900s AD wants to go up against a guy that can split your skull at 300 paces. Hence the real reason he lived in peace and probably relative boredom until he died in bed of an illness.
Now dying in bed is the worst kind of death for a Viking because it's not how one gets into Valhalla. We can only hope it was a slow day for the Valkyrie and they took pity on Thorfinn and brought his soul into the great hall. After all, it's not his fault everyone was afraid of him and just left him alone. Additionally, anyone who earns the name "Skull-Splitter" probably has an "admit one" ticket to Valhalla.
Thorfinn Skull-Splitter is buried in the burial mound at Howe of Hoxa on the Orkney Island, South Ronaldsay. The Orkney Brewery Scottish Ale, Skull Splitter is named after him.
But that's not the end of the story. Like I said, we descend from Thorfinn Skull-Splitter and some of his blood runs in our veins. Many of us, and those like us, (damn few) are continually working and building upon the ideas of Thorfinn Skull-Splitter.
Today we can propel the piece of lead faster, farther and more accurately than super great, grand-daddy Thorfinn every imagined. But here's the ancient secret passed down from Thorfinn Skull-Splitter through the family tree. I'll share it with you now. If you can propel a piece of lead faster, farther and split skulls more accurately than the people around you, they'll leave you alone.
I am an explosive breacher on a SWAT team. In honor of Thorfinn, we name our devices 'Thorfinn Door-Splitter' and hope he would be impressed with what we can accomplish with a bit of Det-Cord!
*Over time all great stories, sagas, facts and dates can become a bit blurry. The historical facts listed above are possibly (not likely) somewhat true and are at least one perspective looking back through the lens of history!